Apples and Pears, Whitechapel

At funky East End newbie, Apples & Pears - that's Cockney rhyming slang for hairy mares in too-tight flares or summat - rookie shakermaker gets the benefit of my pop-up martini masterclass after his effort, cribbed from a manual secreted behind the counter, turns out all Marti Pellow. That's Wet Wet Wet, not bone dry as requested. Housed in a former phone shop and imaginatively converted to a brief that likely read ‘Jack The Ripper meets Heidi in Chas (or Dave’s) auntie’s parlour’, this dinky dive ain’t half Mum & Dad; that’s ‘bad’ in local patois, I believe. With cocktail boy’s martinis now sorted, better rehearsed jobs such as R.C.R Kray - ‘a couple of rum ‘uns mixed up with Coke lime and spices’ - are far from criminal at £7.50.  Wines range from Petticoat Lane (sinkable reds from £12) to City Banker: Cristal is a snip £250, so treat yourself to a few bottles on the taxpayer, guys; you deserve it! Food is heavy on pie & mash, with the emphasis on ‘heavy’. Cunning! An evil steak and Stilton boulder leaves me too full to waddle off elsewhere. Downstairs, a cool cavern invites disco dancing and midnight mischief but I’m told Tower Hamlets has filed A&P’s late-night licence application under ‘red tape’. Perhaps they’re too caught up in ‘Hijabgate’, the controversy surrounding the ludicrous arches planned for Brick Lane?

Apples and Pears,  26 Osborn Street E1 7247 7717