You want to hit the dance-floor but, with a night out in the capital costing more than a fortnight in Fuerteventura, you can’t afford to blow it. So take part in our 
quick quiz and find out where you’ll get a night to remember. Serial nighthawk Keith Barker-Main asks the questions
London has a scene to suit every mood. Move your Cuban heels to the latino grooves of Floridita, Salsa or Guanabara, strut your brothel creepers at Rock-A-Billy Rebels at The Bathhouse, Bishopsgate, or dress like a diva and join the urban reggae block party at Brixton’s hot spots. If that’s not your (Gucci) bag, try twisted electro in Vauxhall’s gay village or check out the kitsch pop at gilded Victorian music hall Koko inCamden, whose monthly Guilty Pleasures night finds hundreds dancing to retro hits that are cheesier than a bag of Wotsits.
Overwhelmed by the choices already? Check out our 10 questions and unlock the secret to clubbing smart. Make a note of your answers (mostly As, Bs, Cs, Ds or Es?), then turn the page to see what kind of nightclub is right for you.
1.You know you’re in the wrong club when you spot:
A: Pasty-faced indie kids
B: Your household staff
C: Civilians
D: Hens falling over to ‘I Will Survive’
E: Anybody called Geldof or Osbourne
2. Your idea of clubbing royalty is:
A: Jay-Z, king of rap
B: Prince Harry
C: Prince (small chap, wears a lot of purple)
D: Queen Latifah
E: Alexander McQueen
3. Someone wants to buy you a drink. You ask for:
A: Cristal, what else?
B: A treasure chest cocktail
C: A Caorunn gin rickey
D: Voss water
E: Staropramen with an Aftershock chaser
4. In the club of your dreams, the ladies would be wearing:
A: Clingy blingy thingys
B: Boyfriend jacket, Zadig & Voltaire shirt, skinny leather jeans
C: The 80s revisited, as seen in Vogue
D: Karen Walker, Acne, retro Airmax trainers
E: That’s no lady, that’s performance artist Jonny Woo
5. If pushed, you’d rather share a table with:
A: Katie Price (mega photo op!)
B: Kate Middleton
C: Mary-Kate Olsen
D: Katie from The Ting Tings
E: Katie Grand
6. Last time you went clubbing, the debate in the gents went something like:
A: ‘Fake or real, do you reckon?’
B: ‘Skiing at Val d’Isère or Courchevel this year?’
C: ‘A splash of Acqua Di Gio or Acqua Di Parma, sir ?’
D: ‘T-shirt by Bathing Ape or Original Penguin?’
E: ‘Upper or downer?’
7. Best club of all time:
A: Faces, Gants Hill
B: Nikki Beach, St Tropez
C: Studio 54, New York
D: The Warehouse, Chicago
E: Taboo, London
8. Your style of DJ is:
A: A shiny, black Versace DJ
B: Celebrity DJ Sam Young
C: Mark or Sam Ronson
D: Techno legend Carl Cox
E: Drag queen Jodie Harsh
9. Your ideal dance partner would be:
A: (Her) Ashley Cole; (him) Cheryl Cole
B: (Her) that nice chap you met at the Cartier polo (Daddy owns a Gulf state);
(him) Tara Palmer-Tomkinson (you’ve adored her since she used to babysit you)
C: (Her) Calvin Klein hunk Jamie Dornan; (him) Agent Provocateur temptress Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
D: (Her) Your posse from Amnesia, Ibiza; (him) not fussed so long as she’s low maintenance
E: (Her) Henry Holland and Agyness Deyn; (him) Performance artist Scottee
10. How do you get home after clubbing?
A: In his Bugatti Veyron
B: Chauffeured Range Rover with blacked-out windows
C: I walk; I live in W1
D: Tube. It’s 6.30 am – who needs cabs?
E: Sorry! A total blank
Mostly As
Glam Rockers
What you’d give for a night in a club with a heavy paparazzi presence outside. Girly glam rockers are addicted to spray-on dresses and matching tans, Louboutin shoes and extensions (real-hair only, if you please). But you don’t want to be mistaken for aWAG wannabe (honest!) and are dead set on carving out an independent career in modelling to escape your City 9-to-5. Your high-maintenance male counterpart is a football agent or luxury car dealer who favours a smart-casual cool look, so long as it’s brand new and from Selfridges’s designer floor. Must-haves for a glammed-up night are ice buckets filled with Ace of Spades Champagne and Cavalli vodka, and a VIProom packed with (available) talent. So head to:
Mostly Bs
(Well-)Bred Head
You’re either a Windsor – as opposed to from Windsor – or you’re on a bonus like 2008 never happened, or your old man’s a pal of Putin. You live in SW-something and dabble in event organising, property and PR. Money, quite honestly, isn’t a problem, and you like to shop where you’ll be served by the Hugos and Camillas of this world who didn’t quite make the grade as estate agents. You’ll hang out at Guy Ritchie’s Punchbowl, Chelsea speakeasy Barts or The Beach (your name for Fulham Road), where you’ll sip luxury mojitos, champers and shots before moving on to:
Mostly Cs
Mossy Posse
You like to check out your on-trend looks and strategically tousled hair in the mirror of your BMW Z4 coupé before heading
out of your home in Fulham or Battersea. You work for a blue-chip multinational
as a senior PA or accountant, but dream of being discovered by Sarah Doukas at
Storm Models. You idolise Kate Moss for her style and stamina; you, too, like to
cane it on Champagne and retro cocktails – ‘live fast, play hard and burn it off at
the gym’ is your mantra.
The male of the species works for a boutique investment company, in sales or corporate entertainment. You live in a hi-tech rammed designer pad in Docklands or Notting Hill, and although you’re prepared to slum it in Shoreditch for a night, you’d prefer:
While the rest of the world is still discovering Shoreditch, you’re championing Plaistow, Poplar and parts of Londonthat we’ve never even heard of
Mostly Ds
Cool Hunter
You know your Scratch Perverts from your Filthy Dukes because it’s all about the DJ. Fidget house may mean nothing to most, but it’s just one scene you’re into: ‘nu’ everything, grime, hip hop, underground, indie, old school soul and silent discos – you’re on it. Your work is your life and it all blurs into one big social. Married (to a MacBook), you work in advertising, viral marketing, music or the meejah. When it comes to fashion you are anti-brand, preferring understated limited-edition gear from pop-up shops in E1, but you have a soft spot for vintage Stussy, Fred Perry and Nike. Premium Tequilas (Jose Cuervo Platino) are your latest thing; otherwise Bud and designer water (or tap for the eco-conscious) see you through till sunrise, when you head back to Islington, Hackney or Bermondsey. Night time finds you at:
Mostly Es
Beautiful Freak
A true original, you detest being labelled a Beautiful Freak – but let’s face it, you are! We need you to tell us what’s hip. So while the rest of the world is still discovering Shoreditch, you are out there championing Plaistow, Poplar and parts of London we’ve never even heard of, let alone visited. Though you’ll still ‘do’ Hoxton, if only for nostalgia’s sake. Few could emulate your style, be it Burt Reynolds circa Smokey and the Bandit or Charlie’s Angel crossed with bad Barbie. Downing Long Island iced tea, snakebite or sambuca, you camp it up to everything from early Pete Burns, Bucks Fizz and your dad’s 80s records to that clever Roisin Murphy scratch mix. We won’t tell anyone they’ll find you at:
Ghetto www.popstarz.org
Editorial feature from Square Meal Guide 2010
The name - Avalon - suggests this Shoreditch bar/ club/ live music venue will be a Pre-Raphaelite vision of the court of King Arthur. Arthur Daley more like, based on furniture that might have been snapped-up by the dodgy dealer in a clearance sale at a convicted Balkan warlord’s villa. Naff baroque tables, crushed velvet upholstery and silvered thrones are bizarrely juxtaposed with decor that implies a Chinese restaurant in Chernobyl. Lit red, punters assume a weird radioactive sweet and sour sauce glow. But like the similarly tacky Punk in Soho, such disparate duff-ness gels, creating a bonkers backdrop for the debauchery expected of its target ‘Ditch bitch style junkie clientele that, at tonight’s press party, includes an androgynous colossus wearing a lobster as a fascinator. His look is more doolally than Dali and with promised dim sum slow to appear, I’m tempted to seize the Mad Hatter’s crustacean and boil the bleeder in a hot tub downstairs. Hot tub? Oh, yes. Currently unfinished, a heroically seedy basement - think Dirk Diggler’s Boogie Nights filmed in a Burmese brothel - will incorporate mosaic plunge pools and similar spa malarkey. 'Drinks? Oh, go on, then! Two Blue Lagoons and one of your signature ‘Karma Sip-tra’ martinis, please.' As we leave, a queue forms outside; Avalon is already the stuff of local legend.
