K Bar at The Kensington, South Kensington

It may be of London’s most desirable districts (unless Dalston is your natural home) but South Kensington is curiously low on swanky hotel lounges with sufficient clout to pull in well-heeled cosmopolitan locals. Opulently revamped, the rebranded K Bar at the SW7 flagship of Irish hoteliers, The Doyle Collection, fills the void. All honey tone woods, copper shimmer, grouse moor greens and divine art deco bronze doors - salvaged from Dublin’s GPO and riddled with bullet marks from the 1916 Easter Uprising according to one of the bar's Blarney-kissed boys' spiel - K Bar is a luxe looker, high on charm, comfort and cracking cocktails. Highlights include a Trois Rivières sweet daiquiri (£10) and a Knob Creek rye, Cherry Heering and Applejack-based tribute to the Singapore Sling. Calvados and rhubarb bitters inform K Bar’s twist on a classic Champagne Cocktail. Créme Brûlée Martini is sheer liquid sin. Order wine from £5.50 with suitably Kensington snacks from the hotel's grown-up restaurant, adjacent and, held hostage by emerald plush upholstery, stay for ‘classic or healthy’ afternoon tea served until 5pm. 

109 - 113 Queen’s Gate SW7 5LT 7589 6300 www.doylecollection.com

Margaux, Earl's Court

English may no longer be the lingua franca in SW5. Other tongues nowadays increasingly dominate in Earl’s Court - which this address technically is, regardless of the Jo Hansford blonde estate agents' assurances that 'this is, like, super-prime South Ken, yah?' Thankfully, most resident Sloanes' French vocab runs to ‘encore du champagne, Chablis et Margaux old chap’ - all of which are available at this recently-opened dishy wee wine bar. Like the bulk of its clientele, the bar's well put-together wine list is a bon chic bon genre mix of French and Italians, with a smattering of New World and Eastern European interest. A 200-strong selection has Picpoul de Pinet, vieilles vignes Carignan, St. Chinian and Puglian Neprica all at either side of £30. Top drawer grapeage for hedge fund Henris, flush from a good week at le bureau include a 1999 Margaux at £750. A more accessible swallow from the same appellation appears at £8.50 among a range by the glass or carafe. For brunch, choose from a selection of eggy ideas - Benedict, Florentine, halloumi and heirloom tomato omelette (£11) - savoury tartines, and salad of salmon niçoise. Dishes for lunch or dinner might typically include foie gras and pear in a vanilla and port reduction en brioche (we'll brook no anti-Fortnum's bleatings here, you skanky sans culottes); porcini risotto (£13/ £18); sea bass ceviche; seared scallops with butternut squash and caramelised onion or boeuf bourgignon on creamy polenta. Over puds and Sauternes, play spot the Windsor: Harry, Wills and various court jesters cruise a strip that was also once home to Diana Spencer who resided at Coleherne Court. I blame the Versace-loving princess for the 'hood's slide from sedate Sloanedom towards something akin to Geneva-sur-Tamise. 

152 Old Brompton Road SW5 0BE 7373 5753 www.barmargaux.co.uk 

Le Bistrot at L'Institut Francais , South Kensington

In an area not blessed with great hang-outs, Le Bistrot - the bar/ cafe at this cinema/ library/ cultural centre - is open to even les rosbifs. In the heart of Little Paris (i.e. South Kensington ) where shop keepers routinely address you in French and stare uncomprehendingly when you reply in English, this is something of a find. Recently reconfigured in nouvelle vague black and white, it's the kind of smart, middle class space demanded by the sort of bon chic, bon genre bitches who always appear immaculate, head to toe in Dior, on the beach in Sainte Maxime while you look like a dishevelled pink shrimp, colour matched to a swimming costume that fitted when you bought it in 2005.  A central self-service buffet boasts fifteen different salads, traiteur tasties, charcuterie, quiches, soups, patisseries and viennoiseries charged at £4.95, £8 or £10 according to plate size. To drink, there’s a selection of by-the-glass wine from Pays d’Oc (£4) to superior Chablis (£10); Kronenbourg and Peroni and a selection of spirits and aperitifs that, naturellement, includes the fuel on which all Provence runs, Ricard. Le bistrot opens at 11 am for strong café and stays open until 8.30 pm by which time, it’s assumed debate and discussion surrounding matters existential will be moved on elsewhere. The bar monsieur was atypically charming for a grenouille but his pantalon looked like une petite visite to the nettoyage a sec shop was long overdue. Les Frenchies, superchic? Pas toujours!

17 Queensbury Place SW7 7589 9996  http://www.institut-francais.org.uk/about/le-bistrot 

Coquine, South Kensington

Given the attention it’s getting, the most popular element of Lee Broom’s  design for a new South Ken cocktail joint - think blue-collar Parisian zinc meets Rococo bordello - is the mirror that lines one wall. ‘Hey, Mr. DJ! Gonna drop Carly Simon’s You’re So Vain?’  At the launch of the Valmont club’s cute sibling Coquine - that’s French for ‘saucy’, not ‘Cookeen’ as I initially mishear it - the perma-preening chosen ones are representative of the types that cleave to this gilded postcode. Agents casting for someone to play Jodie Kidd, Tara P-T, George Osborne, a young Omar Sharif or Jerry Hall, look no further. (Hold on! That's no Jerry look-alike, I'd recognise the old Stone's ex-doll's lazy Texan dr-a-a-a-a-awl from a mile away).  Into that giddy social stew, sprinkle platinum blondes with diamond designs on someone else’s titanium Amex and you’re getting the picture. What they get at this sure-fire SW5 hit is a range of plausible £8 cocktails that includes a summer berry martini called ‘Caprice’. Bingo! Caprice as in ahem, ‘supermodel’, that’s who the venal blondes remind me of. Luckily for them, they’re all calorie counting: promised ‘comfort tapas’, we languish, bellies rumbling, for over an hour while one solitary table of four VVIPs is served tray after tray. Cottoning on to my plight, sweet PR summons ponced-up fish fingers and maki rolls to placate Mr. Grumpy. Momentarily, the other guests’ focus shifts from the mirror.

   

160 Old Brompton Rd SW5 7341 7678

http://coquinebars.com/

Tini, South Kensington

Thursday is the big London night out for South Kensington’s beau monde - weekends finding them otherwise engaged in Val d’Isère, St Barts, Monaco or Daddy’s pile in Berwickshire. Crowds form alongside the Bentleys and Lamborghinis parked outside Walton Street’s handful of bars,as cut-glass accents clamour to be admitted pronto. The latest arrival, Tini, comes courtesy of Nick House and the other chaps behind Whisky Mist and Mahiki. If high maintenance blondes are your garnish of choice for your dry mar-Tini (geddit?), step inside! The idea is to recreate the Milanese bar scene’s traditional ‘aperitivo’ - or cocktails and complimentary nibbles, if you prefer. Lined with black and white pap shots of Dolce Vita era stars and squishy low level leather seating, the sedate decor pushes no design envelopes, nor frankly does the Chelsea-chic clientele, however much they paid for that outfit at Harvey Nics. Cocktails (£7-ish) come with a dash of Italia - limoncello in a Grey Goose Citron and strawberry Berrycello or the complimentary shots, a nice touch, we were offered when ordering Prosecco -cheaper than some of the pricier French bubbles available. Tini knows its audience: If Hoxton rather than Hermès is your thing, it’s not you.

87 Walton St SW3 7589 8558

Bentley, South Kensington: Barts, Chelsea

The bijou bar at The Bentley was once an occasional late-night Negroni stop, before the hotel somehow fell off my Gin-dar. Invited to celebrate its acquisition by the Waldorf Astoria Collection, I’m anticipating the five star sensory massage synonymous with that brand. Alas, no makeover to report: in the same old, pre-takeover, garish surroundings - think Imelda Marcos - we discuss sparrow-like society dame Liz Brewer’s curious wardrobe choices and nibble pedestrian canapés to a naff soundtrack by a DJ from Boujis (we’re told): in which parallel universe does anyone want to ever again be subjected to The Gypsy Kings’ Bamboleo, especially at bonce-bothering volume? Great Tanqueray 10 martinis though! The evening is salvaged by my introduction to Barts (pictured), a riotous speakeasy secreted behind a discreet black sliding-door, deep in Chelsea Cloisters, a raffish appartment block in er, Chelsea. New - from the well-connected chaps behind Kitts nightclub - it’s rammed to the gunwales with faces you’ll recognise from après-ski in Val D’(Sloane Square) Isère and Caribbean house parties. Toffy totty is an acquired taste, but Old Fashioned and Daiquiri at £6.95 and Perrier-Jouët at £45 will be right up most folk’s street. Nursery food (macaroni cheese/ shepherd’s pie) comes at retro prices, while the decor is similarly nostalgic: Mickey Mouse wallpaper, cuckoo clocks and ancient trannies - as in radios; but if you’re drawn to drag, there’s a dressing-up trunk filled with wacky gear. The party spirit even gets to charming staff, tonight, got up as The Waltons.

The Bentley, 27 - 33 Harrington Gardens, SW7 7244 5555

Barts, Chelsea Cloisters, Sloane Avenue SW3 7581 3355