London Cocktail Club, Oxford Circus

With owner JJ Goodman's London Cocktail Clubs 1 and 2 firing on all cylinders in Goodge Street and on Shaftesbury Avenue, opening numero tres in a basement just off Oxford Circus makes commercial sense. After all, who doesn't need a stiff drink, shell-shocked after the cacophonous assault course that is Topshop where, last year, I spotted some Comme des Garçons tribute brogues I fancied. "Them (sic) shoes are the nutz, mate. What size is he after?" pipes up a pipe-cleaner styled as Harry Styles, motioning towards the entirely unrelated 18-year-old hovering beside me. Clearly, I am of an age when I should be shod exclusively by advertisers in the back pages Daily Express magazine. Next up, Comfi-Fit leisure slacks with elasticated waistband? I doubt the desirable chaussures I took a shine to were the work of Topshop heiress Chloe Green -  designer of towering infernal heels as drooled over by acrylic blonde Romanian pole dancers and midget tea-bag tanned slappers from Stoke. Next time Chloe pops in to ogle the shekels rolling into her inheritance's tills, she'd do well to fall into LCC3, located just across the street from Daddy's flagship schmutter emporium, afterwards. Garish, trashy, graffitied Chicano gangsta's crib; why, this dark dive bar could be in Miami or South Central LA. Or, indeed, East Harlem, once home to J-Lo's Latino salsa star ex hubby, Marc Antony- currently, lil' Chlo's beau. (Is it just me, or is this unlikely pairing up there with Simon Cowell and whatever his American babymother's name is in terms of "REALLY?") What she'll find, is a raucous rock'n'roll party pit, its fit-for-fun-lovin'-criminals rinses mixed by badass brutes that come on like wild-eyed Hells Angels but are probably called Clive and Colin, and take in stray kittens at the Cockfostersbungalow they still share with Mumsy. LCC3 is big on tequila - try a seriously hot-tempered chilli sling - as well as wacky LCC signatures such as squid ink sour or pineapple and cheese martini. Hungry? Feed your face chilli squid with margarita dip, hush puppies, and ‘Snoopy Doggy Dog’ from a range of franks in buns. Next up for Goodman, launching in 2014, is LCC 4 in Shoreditch - a hood that, to Chloe and her Made In Chelsea ilk (or in her case Made In Hampstead Garden Suburb, I imagine) - is as edgy as it gets. 

4 Gt Portland St. W1 7580 1960 

www.londoncocktailclub.co.uk

"potofgold" shoe and more like it are available from 

www.cjg.com/collection/‎

Barrio East, Shoreditch

I once shared an apartment with two Latinos in downtown Manhattan. Boy, when one hot-tempered Puerto Rican falls out with his even more volatile lover over over a hickey he's attempting to pass off as hives caused by a fiery Scotch bonnet pepper, the collateral damage makes Hurricane Sandy look like a storm in a teacup. Furniture trashed; clothes shredded; but more distressingly, a hail of broken black vinyl raining down on Broadway twenty floors below, chucked from our windows.  Hector Lavoe; Ralfi Pagan; Willie Colon; Celia Cruz; Orchestra Harlow; The Fania All-Stars: all were smashed to smithereens on the sidewalk as Romeo the Ricky Martin lookalike set about cheating Chico's prized record collection with a vengeance. Such a waste. I owe my great interest in all musica latina to those rowing roomies. In underground dance clubs in unfashionable Zip codes, they really got me into it those Nu Yorican beats, patiently teaching me how to dance salsa like I was raised in San Juan (from the knees down and with clenched butt cheeks). That I heard the DJ drop some of those old skool beats is reason enough for me to commend Barrio East  - numero tres from the hombres behind Islington and Soho’s smaller Barrios.  I dig this cool cantina's dime store plastic kitsch and zingy fiesta colours. Me gusto mucho its glass pineapple scone lights - I want, I want, I want!  Holed up in an old caravan, we load up on street food and £8.50 tropi-cocktails - Gingerbread Colada and The Hoodrat (vodka, chill, red pepper vanilla and apple). On the Boom Boom Room’s busy dance-floor, Shoreditch scenesters attempt (and fail miserably) to shake it like J-Lo and Marc Anthony back in the day. I'd have paid good money to witness that barney - and the shredded clothes from Barney's -when those two firecrackers were splitting up. 

141 Shoreditch High Street E1 www.welovebarrio.com