The Joker of Penton, Islington

(Fancy bungin' on Billie Jean, mate?)

Pointing to an oil portrait of a Regency gent on the wall, I ask, "Who's he?" The answer, from a staff member channeling Michael Jackson circa 1979, is suitably Off The Wall. "That's Eric Grimaldi, the joker of Penton Street," he reckons. "The twin brother of famous Sadler's Wells harlequin and Penton Street resident Joseph Grimaldi - he whose trademark white make-up launched the coulrophobia epidemic?" wonders my pal, along for a burger and banter - of which a steady stream from jokey Jacko. The Joker's go-with-the-flow bro' with a 'fro's cheeky chappie lines keep us amused in the absence of any tangible buzz. (It is, to be fair, lunchtime). I tell him I'm not over-keen on my nuclear Tabasco-primed Virgin Mary (Don't worry, guys! I haven't become a born again alco-virgin: I'm driving). It could do with (that key ingredient of a Virgin Mary), "a stick (sic) of basil" according to the daft stick trained up by Basil Fawlty I now like to imagine. My mood doesn't improve when his colleague - the flatmate The Young Ones never had? - pops a heavy metal album on the bar's vintage Dansette record player, where I'd have happily settled for The Jacksons Greatest Hits. ABC: Islington has an alphabet of boss boozers to choose from. My chum would much rather be at The New Rose, The Hops and Glory, The Charles Lamb or any of a dozen more N1 pubs he rates rather than at a thinly disguised reboot of Hundred Crows Rising, the site's previous occupant, a turkey that shot the crow without anybody much noticing. The Joker is the latest London opening from Laine's of Brighton whose ales, brewed at their Hackney acquisition People's Park Tavern, are what to drink here if you don't fancy American craft beers, Heartbreaker Welsh cider on tap, cocktail du jour marmalade gin fizz, or anything from a list of wines from £16. Pop-up outfit Tongue'n'cheek are on kitchen duty. Their scran may not be quite in the top flight of my London best beef patty league, but a moist cheddar, chimichurri sauce, watercress and sour cream-topped effort - served with good rosemary salt fries in a cute candy-strip paper bag - is no Brentford among burgers either. What new decor there is to report, includes outsized wooden comedy/tragedy masks, portraits of old vaudeville turns, and the clock featured on the cover of Oasis album, Be Here Now. Will I be back? Definitely Maybe...who knows? Like the crowd at the late Glasgow Empire that reduced countless English jokers to jelly, I'm tough to please.

58 Penton Street N1 9PZ 7837 3891 https://www.facebook.com/thejokerpenton/info 

Hoxley and Porter, Islington

'A mythical Victorian steam express from Cape to Cairo that brings together Colonial Poirot, Egyptian noir, and surrealist jungles’: that’s part of the febrile PR puff about at this new Islington ‘cocktail and dining adventure.’ Perhaps its marketing wallahs have been at its ‘whatever doesn’t kill you’ cocktail - a ‘far-flung drink’ that aims to throw you by changing colour from blue to bright purple? With its edible absinthe-coated scorpion - er, because I'm in training for I'm A  Sub-Z List Celebrity; Get Me Out Of Here? - this hoochy peculiar reminds me of drunken experimentation, when I was a student, with whatever booze was to hand. It's a candidate for my ‘Dud Drink of 2013’ award. Capable head barman Mikey Pendergast ought to be above such gimmickry. Here, his more convincing ideas, fixed by enthusiastic staff in fin de siècle attire, include Baron’s Tipple (overproof rum, lime, apricot jam and guava juice), Belize bellini, and a smooth TT Sazerac that prefers Santa Teresa rum to the New Orleans classic's rye. An off- menu Remember the Maine is indeed one to remember, but it deserves a better mise-en-scène than this Carry On Up The Congo/ intrepid explorer malarkey. What's 'fresh and unique' on a press release is déjà (trop) vu and better executed elsewhere in my book - at Mr Fogg’s in Mayfair, The Chelsea Prayer Room, or even House of Wolf just a couple of blocks north for example. Wines start at £17 and food, at pub prices, includes pig’s cheek with chorizo pea and broad beans, wild mushroom risotto with pecorino and truffle oil, buffalo mozzarella and halloumi tart, and vanilla panna cotta among the ‘fine “British” fayre. If you board an express that's steaming up Upper Street, perhaps stop off at Slim Jim's Liquor Store, Public House and 69 Colebrooke Row before alighting at Hoxley and P, old chap.

153 Upper Street N1 1RA www.hoxleyandporter.co.uk 

Photography: Adam Beasley

  

The Bar at Fifteen, Islington/ The City

I am not drawn to naked chefs on TV. Gordon Ramsay's fleshy pink Jelly Baby arse - now an obligatory shot on Hotel Hell for some unimaginable reason - gives me the absolute dry boak. Jamie Oliver? There's something of the uncooked Pilsbury Doughboy about the original Naked Chef, that makes me avert my gaze whenever he's on the box; and, like Ramsay, that's far too often for my liking. Last time I visited Mr Recipease's flagship restaurant - how naff is that brand name by the way, Jamie? -  I was not won over by Fifteen's lame cocktail bar. This summer, Oliver's City Road pile had a major makeover but, despite being prompted on numerous occasions, I have been putting off a reccie. "Too many brand new bars to check out." Or "sorry, matey, but I'm washing my hair tonight," etc etc. En route to a launch in Islington, I finally deign to give Fifteen fifteen minutes of my time. Well, blow me, Jamie! (That's an expression of surprise, not an open invitation - supposing JO were ever to go on the turn.) The cheeky chappie's joint is proper lovely jubbly.. or some such words of his to that effect. Steering clear of the gaff turns out to have been my loss. A: it’s a handsome space - all cayenne leather and brick, butch bar and high stools. B: Gas Town, a bittersweet mescal fix, and tequila, lemon grappa and chilli margarita, Riminita, rock... and C: £5 gets big beef and barley bun with horseradish (note to Sainsbury's: please stock 'em!); Lincolnshire Poacher cheese croquettes with pickled walnut; soft boiled devilled eggs with smoky cod roe and radish; crispy fried quail and mushroom ketchup (an upmarket take on the Turkey Twizzlers Jamie has berated in the past?) and other “pukka tukka" - a catchphrase all grown-up Jamie is aiming to leave behind. The new bar at Fifteen is worth at least 17 out 20. I'd have happily stayed longer, especially as the launch I imagine will be a hottie turns out to be a damp squib. (More about that in my next post.) 

5 Westland Place N1 7LP 3375 1515 http://www.fifteen.net 

Craft Beer Co, Islington

A sympathetic refurb in scarlet and forest green breathes new life into this backstreet boozer; but its the fantastic range of craft beers that turns this charming local into a destination for hop-heads. As with the business’s other outlets in Clerkenwell and Brixton, there’s hundreds of bottled ales and a serious set of taps to tempt - we counted 24. Both native and imported artisanal beers demand serious attention. Bermondsey’s Kernel and a host of new wave native microbreweries go into bat for Britain, while Belgium is represented by a strong showing of Lambic, Geuze and Trappiste beers from the likes of Westmalle Abbey. There’s a strong Scandinavian team and America plays a blinder: Hoppin’ Frog’s 9.4% abv B.O.R.I.S The Crusher (‘bodacious oatmeal Russian imperial stout) and Anchorage’s The Tide and its Taker (a rarity at a sobering £29.95) among the folksy standouts. Wines from £15.95, scotch egg, epic meat pies - try the chorizo version - twinkly-eyed service and a patio garden complete the attractive offer.   

55 White Lion Street N1 9PP 7278 0318 www.thecraftbeerco.com/

Visit Square Meal for my review of Craft Beer Co Brixton  www.squaremeal.co.uk

House of Wolf, Islington

Previously, it housed Albert and Pearl, a swine among bars with ideas above its station (that's Highbury and Islington if you are tubing it); if you were part of (cringe!) 'Cool Britannia', you'll have fond memories of the place as The Medicine Bar; and if, like me, you used to ride a penny-farthing, you'll have enjoyed it as a Victorian music hall. Now this rickety ramble is in the clutches of the crew behind Brighton venue Madame Geisha who have transformed the Islington jumble into an ‘experimental pleasure palace’ that comes on like a Jack The Ripper era cocktail bar as imagined by Tim Burton. Tweedy young fogeys and vintage-clad chapesses who frequent postmodern gin joints such as The Worship Street Whistling Shop and Purl will adore it. Overwhelmed, minimalists may need smelling salts and a period of repose in the secret Victorian ‘fainting room’ while they recover from House of Wolf's ‘multi-sensory’ overload. I popped in for a tequila at a Patron pop-up, and I'm still reeling from an encounter with a fortune teller who tells me I'm about to father a set of triplets who will be born hideously deformed. Ah well, I can always pimp them out to a future House of Wolf freak show; for Gothic divertissements are very much in the spirit of the entertainment provided in the venue's ground floor main bar-cum-performance space.  Expect live sets from name-to-drop musicians, off-the-wall bingo, quizzes, cabaret and Saturday late The Burning Beat - billed as ‘wild-eyed-gypsy carnival rock n’roll'. This room's bar does a range of a dozen cocktails at around £8.50, but the intrepid will fancy an adventure in the Phileas Fogg-esque Apothecary upstairs. Here, lab-coat-clad professors (resting actors?) prepare arcana such as a black pudding-infused rum libation served in a Lyle’s treacle tin; a doctored knickerbocker glory unsuited to any child except The Omen's Damien; and the vodka peculiar that is popcorn-flavoured sour, Over The Pop. Over the top? Exciting innovation or pretentious tosh? Online reviews have been rapturous... and damning in equal measure - particularly in respect of the restaurant's outlandish 'experimental' food. But don't shoot the Wolf until you've checked out its den for yourself. Beast/ beauty? Either way, you won't be indifferent.

181 Upper Street N1 1RQ 7288 1470 http://houseofwolf.co.uk 

The Pig and Butcher, Islington

Success with The Princess (EC2) and The Lady Ottoline (WC1) has paved the way for their owners’ 3rd gastropub, located in prime grand stuccoed celeb studded Islington. Various TV, music and film stars live in the Pig's precise postcode and had Marmite hack Liz Jones not sold her elegant terraced house across the street, it would have been her local, conjuring up the possibility of a fascinating floor show of an evening. Eat in the bar or reserve space in the smaller cosy dining room. The perma-packed venue’s name sets the tone for a sensibly concise menu using locally sourced meats wherever possible.  Choose from a list of six starters that might typically include blood pudding with red and white endive and orange. Pork rillettes are a well-judged balance of silken fat to flavoursome flesh. Smoky lardons add interest to Shetlands mussels steamed in cider. Portions are hearty to daunting,  so losing one ingredient from mains such as velvety, pink duck breast on beetroot, cabbage borlotti beans, tomato and kumquat  might be an idea. Similarly, slightly overpowering goats cheese would not be missed in fondant Kentish leg of lamb with lentils and baby turnip. If you can manage one, puds include Eton mess and tangy lemon posset topped with fresh peach (again one ingredient de trop) served with shortbread. Vivacious fruity Pays ‘d’Oc red (by the glass, carafe or bottle) kicks off an approachable wine list, and a good range of craft beers and cider includes Bath Gem on tap, Kernel Chinook, Hackney Brewery’s excellent Golden Ale and Hogan Perry. Service is brisk and amiable but would Liz have run staff ragged?

80 Hackney Road N1 0QD 7226 8301www.facebook.com/ThePigAndButcher

Based on my review for www.squaremeal.co.uk

The North Pole, De Beauvoir Town

It’s been a treasured pub/ community hub since 1840; but, will the North Pole in W10 now be allowed to quietly melt away? Note to Kensington & Chelsea Council planning wonks: don't imagine what we really really want to spice up our lives is another ruddy Tesco mini-mart! Across town, after a Northern Line journey as arduous as any expedition Shackleton ever undertook, I discover another North Pole pub. Unrelated to the former, it battles on valiantly. Spruced up nu-Victorian stylee, what intrepid explorers will discover at this off-piste boozer, are honestly priced craft beers from £1.60, scrummy scrumpy, decent vino and good grub. On a sun-trap patio, slake your thirst on two dozen or so hand-pulled ales from the likes of London Fields, Redemption, Innis & Gunn and Cornwall’s Harbour Brewing. Bottled amber includes numerous Yanks, Mexicanos and Continentals. Try Norwegian brewer Nøgne Ø’s porter and IPA or Germany’s Schneider Aventinus, a doppelbock ruby Rottweiler at 8.2% abv. Eats encompass anything from pint of prawns, pizzas, mac’n’cheese or jerk chicken with ‘slaw rice and peas (£11) to snarfable sliders and burgers. Exile fidgety kidults to a play den that offers  Pac-Man, Space Invaders, pinball and - yay, baby - a vintage juke box. Reinvigorated under new landlords, N1’s North Pole looks good for decades...or at least until it shows up on the radar of some colonising retail juggernaut that spreads like the pox.

188 -190 New North Road N1 7BJ  7354 5400 www.thenorthpolepub.co.uk 

Rattlesnake, Islington

Paul Daly, owner of Shoreditch bars Zigfrid and Roadtrip, chooses the fourth of July to launch his new gaff, Rattlesnake. Great name for a live music lounge, and the fact that the place is no longer the dire Walkabout bar of yore is reason enough to celebrate this new ‘American’ independent. Rock/indie/ garage thrash fans will dig a thumping sound system and a rebel yell-packed jukebox and a shed load of tequilas which - if you’re on a hot date, remember - ‘makes her clothes fall off’ according to Country crooner Joe Nichols. At tonight's launch, we’re promised Texican eats. Now, I am up there with Elvis when it comes to chowin' down on white trailer trash eats but after the umpteenthe tray of corn dogs - ‘the menu will be finalised in the next couple of months’ I’m told - I’m losing interest. Another feature isn’t yet open for inspection, sadly, but a roof garden has got to be a plus. I dig what Daly is out to do here: Easy Rider/ Arizona desert truck stop floats my boat but will the location - a chav-magnet chain-infested strip - attract a cool crowd? Upper Street, aka the A1 ain’t exactly Route 66 and the competition is tough. Other Islington American-influenced bars like Slim Jim’s Liquor Store, The Hope and Anchor and The New Rose have real rock’n’roll swagger. Rattlesnake feels a bit more Bono (circa The Joshua Tree) than dirty-sexy Lou Reed- fine if you're happy with a walk on the mild side.



56 Upper Street N1 0NY http://rattlesnakeangel.com 

Hunter S, De Beauvoir Town

Its PR woman claims the launch of this new sister to The Hemingway in Hackney made the locals swoon during its soft launch. Blimey! Did delicate De Beauvoir Town damsels need to reach for the smelling salts, scared silly to find themselves confronted by half the four-legged cast of ITV’s Wild at Heart? Mounted on a big Windsor brown soupy safari park-cum-dining-room’s walls, is what appears to be an ad for Essex Road taxidermists, Get Stuffed - a gauche tableau no-longer-vivant that might be described as 'overkill.'  Dinner doesn’t exactly have me fainting with excitement. Wibbly yolk scotch egg beats a Thai beef salad reminiscent of the hangover cure you greedily wolf down, cold, when last night’s so-soy-salty takeaway is the only option in the fridge. Steep at £12.75, a decent burger patty merits better accessories than industrial chips, limp bun and tasteless tomato. At £18.50, prosaic Argentine merlot is the cheapest of just nine wines while Doom Bar and Sagres head the (better) beery offer. My designer chum digs the pub’s statement crystal chandelier - less so, its jazz joint, Art Deco meets dead fauna stance - ‘Tragidermy!’ ‘Was this named ‘Hunter S’ after gonzo journo Thompson, he of The Rum Diary? Or is it actually called “Hunters?”’ he wonders aloud as sad, shot roebuck, bear and buffalo stare back blankly. Service ranges from charming Charmaine to her sulky sidekick whose pouty snout would be next to be stuffed and hoist alongside Bambi’s late parents, were I in charge. Deer and Loathing in De Beauvoir?

194 Southgate Rd N1 7249 7191 www.thehunter-s.co.uk

Waterline, De Beauvoir Town

Situated twixt N1 and E8, it’s G2-reading Islingtonians, not hirsute Haggerston hipsters, that have colonised this new indie venue. Smart move! The industrial-style ex-warehouse with its Bash Street Kids furniture and desirable Slovakian ex-armament factory lights is a handsome hangout whose towpath tables afford a fine view of the jetsam-blighted Regent’s Canal. Bathed in watery November light through double-height windows, wan faces sip draught Adnams or good Sicilian peasant plonk at £15, worried that spending double that on plummy patrician claret, a Mahon-Laville Graves, constitutes a grave social error now that austerity is the requisite accessory to be worn with their up-the-workers Carrhart clobber by Concerned of Canonbury and co. Could any cloth cap canteen better Waterline’s miniscule open kitchen for good grub at pub prices? It's doubtful. For lunch - or dinner - pig out on pigs cheeks, snoggably tender in a punchy red wine reduction; fine flaky roast cod with al dente samphire and avocado, brandy and cream sauce (£13.95);  and slim boy fat puds. Adjourn to Waterline’s back room, a jazz piano lounge/ cinema where bean bags, floor cushions and drinks service encourage post-prandial lolling. A library of cult films hopefully excludes Marcello Mastrioanni and similarly suicidal foodies in 1973 death-by-overeating satire, La Grande Bouffe. 

46 De Beauvoir Crescent N1  www.waterlinebar.com 

The Wenlock and Essex, Islington

The name, The Wenlock and Essex , refers to this new bar/ diner’s location on Essex Road by Regent Canal’s Wenlock basin, lest you imagine it’s geared to white stiletto wearers and iffy one-eyed Olympic mascots. New, from the crew behind Hoxton’s Electricity Showrooms, its clientele is a pick’n’mix bag of early-Lily Allen clones, lardy geez-ahs who shouldn’t be wearing cut-off cargos and ‘wasn’t-he-once-in-The Kooks?’ indie runts. Formerly The Living Room, the Manchester-based smart/casual chain that never quite ‘got’ Islington, its interior mixes Edwardian fairground with JD Wetherspoon  circa 1990, had it only decided to go slightly upmarket. Top of the frothy tops are Camden Pale Ale and West Country hoppy bunny, Wild Hare, and there’s pocket-friendly vino and Margarita, Mai Tai and Manhattan at £7. To our left, two of the girthy geezahs, who we nickname Pork Scratching seem to have developed a bad case of jock itch. Their constant groin rubbing is putting me off ordering food which, as it transpires, would have been no great loss. From a reasonably priced brunch-to-late menu, my lamb meatballs’ stupidly, incendiary tomato and chili sauce nearly blows my bonce off while mate’s venison pie is not exactly game on. Blah-di-bland. Anyway, what we’re really here for, is Satan’s Circus. Through swing doors beyond the bar, lies a tacky pastiche of a 1980s nightclub. All mirrored ceiling and flashing neons depicting a Linda Lovelace tribute liberating her silicone 40 DDs, it’s six shiny poles short of Paul Verhoeven’s Showgirls. Sexploitation movie sets and a Dirk Diggler light-up dance floor? In Islington? Guardian-reading feminists will choke on their organic polenta.     

18- 26 Essex Road N1 7704 0871  www.wenlockandessex.com 

Slim Jim's Liquor Stores, Islington

If you do just one bar on Upper Street, make it this darkly-lit speakeasy.  Slim Jim’s is the sort of bar you’d normally need to cross the Atlantic to experience. With its butch brick walls, ruby neon signage, 1950’s soda fountain bar stools and conspiratorial booths, the diminutive SJ’s is blue collar LA circa JFK. Tear into quality Irish whiskey (e.g Powars & Tyrconnel); single malts; rum (Zacapa) ; bourbon and anejo and reposado tequilas. Cocktails are cheap and fine;  get ripped on Rusty Nails and suffer an existential hangover tomorrow. Bergamot-infused vodka or fancy Asian nibbles  are not what you're here for. You’ll get peanuts if you ask politely. Musically, it's live acoustic sets or DJs spinning  50’s rock’n’roll and air guitar heroes  via swampy blues and country rock. Just-back-from-Woodstock barmen and cool lanks necking Elijah Craig and beer backs and looking like members of the Black Crowes? This rebel will also appeal to The Byrds.  

112 Upper St N1 7354 4364

http://www.slimjimsliquorstore.com

Off Broadway, Hackney; Library, Islington

£5 for a Manhattan is a steal. But that’s what you’ll pay for a well-made cocktail from a concise selection at Off Broadway (pictured). An unpretentious Manhattan neighbourhood-style lounge, it’s ‘Off Broadway’ as in busy Hackney street market of that ilk; consequently, it’s rammed with Eastenders that are less Phil and Grant, more Phil and Kirstie, so middle class has this insufferably smug location location location become. There’s perfectly formed Vespers and Sours, accessible vino and tasty American beers including Genesee Cream Ale from upstate New York and four from California’s Flying Dog. What scran there is - cheeses and salamis mostly- is top notch, but this new narrow L-shaped venue is not for the claustrophobic: I get my homely antipodean neighbour’s entire CV, like it or not. ‘I used to be at Grazia’ she booms. Perhaps its editor grew weary of Oz’s answer to Ugly Betty’s foghorn monologue and an armpit that smells of neglect? What drowns out chat at new late night bar, The Library, is an XFM-ish soundtrack; fair enough, it is a music venue, its small stage apparently has hosted Bloc Party and the Fratellis as well as comedy turns, which is how detractors might dismiss the Glaswegian rockers. The main bar - a dreary bottle green painted space with potted palms, fake books by the metre and workaday furniture - is supposed to say ‘traditional gentlemen’s club’: Hmmm, the British Legion, Scunthorpe? Thankfully, the crowd is less mundane, as is food such as mutton stew, roast partridge and venison sausages and mash. Drinks, meanwhile, are affordable and include ‘artisan’ cocktails and slacker-friendly brews for Mr. Scruffs.

Off Broadway, Broadway Market E8 7923 9265
The Library, 235 Upper St, N1 7704 6977

Sequence, Islington (CLOSED now Bar Prague): Sanctum, Soho

Islington needs new bars like I need new shoes; i.e. not! - but it keeps happening anyway. Welcome to Sequence (pictured), ‘London’s first multimedia bar’ we’re told. Free wi-fi, video-games and vintage cartoon clips projected onto bare walls: Hmm, innovative! We order £7 Whitley Neil dry martinis; they come wet, but otherwise, resident Italian shakermaker is on the ball. Decor is inoffensive; I’m feeling four star hotel in Bodrum - a truly rad departure from the indie-grungy Essex Rd norm. Mark (Embassy Club) Fuller’s Sanctum Soho, a boutique hotel occupying adjoining townhouses, is firmly aimed at rock’n’rollers. The quirky pile offers private cinema, brasserie and individually styled hi-tech rooms decked out in bad-ass badda-bling. Up-lit bathtubs-cum-Cristal chillers are strategically positioned at the feet of porno-tatsic beds the size of Belgium - ideal for you and all of The Pussycat Dolls. At the hotel’s launch, we smirk at such OTT design. ‘Were the Cheeky Girls involved?’ ponders superchic date, before a podgy Eurotrash gnome in cheap tailoring and kiddie-sized cowboy boots - think Sarko, les années Krispy Kreme - demands she ‘show us ‘uuure teetees!’ What’s French for ‘ever had your lights punched out, Napoléon?’ Directly overlooked by various offices, a decked roof terrace - all loungers, jacuzzi and champagne in plastic flutes, presumably lest they’re chucked overboard? - includes a bar housed in what looks like a Neasden home extension. Not exactly Shoreditch House! Guests only may access this playground, but check in with a couple of mates - cheaper than the price of separate cabs back to the sticks - and you too can live the high life like Pearl Lowe back in the day.  

Bar Sequence, 43 Essex Rd N1 7683 0751

Sanctum Soho, 20 Warwick St. W1 7292 6100