Harlesden Picture Palace, Harlesden

Opened in 1912 when the year's silent movies included The Conquest Of The Pole; The Musketeers Of Pig Alley; and The Water Nymph, by the 1980s, The Harlesden Picture Palace was reduced to screening blue movies - Musketeer Pigs' Poles' Conquest Of The Water Nympho's Alley among them, no doubt. Latterly, the old flea pit's fate was to host a Wetherspoon's pub. Fortunately, the curtain has fallen on that turkey and The Picture Palace can once again expect a full house in its new incarnation as funky bar, a feature attraction in up-and-coming (I'm told) Harlesden. Owners Antic - whose stable of quirky suburban socials include Deptford Job Centre, Balham Bowls and Farr’s School of Dancing in Dalston - have restored the place to something like its Edwardian prime, with a liberal sprinkle of 50s styling and fascinating film memorabilia. Set under the original balcony, lit by art nouveau crystal chandeliers, a long rosewood bar’s hand-pulls dispense Ladbroke Grove microbrewer Moncada’s Notting Hill Amber, great stuff from from Redemption and the owners’ own craft beer, The Full Monty Volden. Democratically priced wine includes the ubiquitous Picpoul de Pinet at just shy of £20. DJs play until 1.30 am at weekends when funk, jazz, ska, soul and popcorn (obscure, cult 1960s pop as played in Belgian dance-halls) are in the mix. Burgers and sandwiches will be served whilst a full kitchen is installed, planned for autumn 2015. Another silver screen star idolised by the flea pits original customers was Mary Pickford who starred in over 30 films in 1912 alone. No sign here of the classic rum and pineapple cocktail created for her when she visited the Hotel Nacional in Havana with Charlie Chaplin and Douglas Fairbanks, sadly
26 Manor Park Road NW10 4JJ 8965 4410. www.harlesdenpicturepalace.com

adapted from my review for www.squaremeal.co.uk

Purl at The Bedford, Balham

Nicknamed 'Planet Janet' by Andy Warhol, my ex-landlady is a confidante to the famous and a dog-walker-to-the-stars. She also has the uncanny knack of honing in on unloved 'hoods, buying a property there for buttons, "making the area fashionable, darling" then selling out when it inevitably goes supernova. Decades ago, I'm told, her coterie was incredulous when she vacated a swish Kensington mansion beside Biba and set up camp (in every sense of the phrase) just off Notting Hill no-go zone, All Saints Road. "Stroll on, white trash" growled baseball bat-wielding Yardies, loitering with intent to supply, outside the boarded-up mini-mart; as she went in search of weed no stronger than Silk Cut before settling for 10 Embassy Regal. Well, W11 was no Knightsbridge back in the day. After another astute move -  to Battersea's Shaftesbury Estate, now laughably rebranded South Chelsea by some - she identified boring Balham as 'worth a look.' I was aghast. "Balham? As in, lampooned by Peter Sellars as 'the gateway to the South?' Do cabs even go there?'' Planet Janet's Midas touch did not desert her. Where once were takeaways guaranteed to give you the trots, locals can now trot along to swish brasseries or fill up on Franca Manca's pizzas. Shonky shops have rapidly been replaced by artisan bakers, twee gift emporia, cocktail bars and those twin barometers of any 'burb's kudos, Waitrose and Foxton's. The arrival of splendiferous Marylebone molecular magicians Purl at local landmark boozer The Bedford, speaks volumes about Balham's new status. Watch its young City workers go bonkers for bubblegum martini (grape bubblegum-infused vodka, egg white and popping candy) and café creamer (an espresso martini topped with condensed milk foam) at around £9 a pop. Purl aims to reprise ‘forgotten classics no longer available at HQ, as voted by our followers on Twitter'…. i.e people with way too much time on their hands. This will surely mean the reappearance of the W1 bar’s  rummy smoke-billowing prestidigitation, Mr Hyde’s fixer upper.  What does need to be fixed up here, however, is the room's gloomy lighting and decor. 1930s film projections aside, on launch night, it felt more Greater Grimsby working man's club than Great Gatsby glam With a little tweaking, it should shape up us SW12's sauciest speakeasy. Will Planet Janet be in for a green fairy - a Dalmore 10 sazerac caressed by a wispy absinthe air cloud? No chance! She recently sold up and shipped out. If you too want to make a mint, follow the van, old man, and don't dilly dally on the way to up-and-coming St Leonard's-on-Sea where the clever cow has bought a des res for less than the price of a Balham bedsit.

77 Bedford Hill, SW12 9HD 8682 8940 www.purl-london.com 

Downstairs at Harrison's, Balham

A few years ago, when a bar and grill launched on this site, I went with a local friend who styles herself, not unreasonably,  'the woman who made Balham fashionable.' An early adopter, she championed SW12 as the next deeply desirable postcode where others treated it as the butt of all property-related jokes. (She's now moved on to the methadone set's favourite holiday resort, St Leonards-sur-Mer, should you want to take a punt on that town's ascent). Back then, Balhamites were agog at the prospect of proper cocktails on their doorstep. "What do you recommend?" I asked our skaterboi waiter. "A taxi into town: our cocktails are rubbish," came his candid assessment. A P45 presumably soon followed and his place of employment closed. Balham wasn't quite ready for pornstar martini; that, or the gaff was found wanting. No such worries at Sam Harrison's new New York Upper West Side-style bar downstairs at his well-established, popular brasserie. Priced from £8, old-fashioneds and ideas such as Affogato Martini - Wyborowa vodka, coffee, butterscotch schnapps and vanilla cream - could hold their against many uptown lounges; and there's wine from under £20, Meantime for beery blokes and a range of bar bites too. Decor (see above), is er, 'nice' but would be nicer still with some quirky visual oomph to break it all up. Sam's ear candy, however, is much to my taste, even if his 20- 30-something Zara clientele would be happier with Beyonce and Jay Z or (God forbid) Taylor Swift than Pusherman soul and Californian yacht rock circa Kenny Loggins. If Sam opened a similar den at the end of my street, I’d fall in from time to time. Whether I'd ride the Northern Line again to revisit, is moot. But thanks to my former local friend's PR, I suspect Sam won't be needing my bucks. Lowly Balham: it's London's Brooklyn Heights these days... or some such flannel.
15 Bedford Hill SW12 8675 6900 www.harrisonsbalham.co.uk 

The 3 Monkeys, Balham

My first primary school teacher - yes I was formally educated despite all evidence the contrary - was called Mrs Wilson. Astute soul she, I became soon established myself as teacher's pet - or at least that's what I thought her constant refrain directed at me implied: 'go sit in the corner  thi instance, you cheeky wee monkey.' My first childhood toy - brought from New York by a friend of the family, was Mickey the Monkey - a delightful chap in denim dungarees, red gingham check shirt and straw hat. He's still around albeit, these days, with not a stitch of clothing to his name, a triple amputee in need of more facial help than Cher has ever had. Anyone know a good doll's hospital? Do such places still exist? Anyway, I'm drawn to monkeys - even those that inhabit Balham, a locale that has a curious effect on me: 'I'm Not A Celebrity But Get Me Out Of Here Anyway' my usual call after an hour in this suburban jungle, cheap cocktails or not. For that's what these 3 furry fellas have to offer: cheap cocktails and karaoke (Hey Hey We're The Monkees; We Are The Chimpions, and anything by the Stone Roses' Ian Brown for obvious reasons.) Everything on the 70-strong menu is available on a 2-for-1 happy hour deal between 4 and 8pm. Scoop up the likes of Aviation, Blood and Sand, Bramble, Tom Collins and their ‘dangerous’ Long Island Ice Tea, or try Paradise Martini (Hendricks gin, coconut water and ginger syrup). Hazlenut liqueur  and Monkey Shoulder stirred with lemon juice and sugar goes by the name of The Monkey’s Nuts: the dog's bollocks if you like Frangelico, I imagine. 

5 Fernlea Road SW12 8673 4447 www.the3monkeysbar.co.uk